The Haruki Murakami Drinking Game

Photograph: Sipa Press / Rex Features

I’m not even halfway through 1Q84, the latest novel by Haruki Murakami, but I think it’s already safe to say that it’s the Murakammiest Murakami novel to date.  Not only because at 900-plus pages (that’s 50% thicker than the wonderful Wind-Up Bird Chronicle), 1Q84 is the longest Murakami novel yet.  But also because it seems to contain every trademark of an author who utilizes an absurd amount of trademarks.

With that in mind, I’ve concocted The Haruki Murakami Drinking Game.  Kanpai!

• If a character has a beer, drink.
• If a character has liquor, drink a shot.
• If a character listens to jazz, take a hit of weed.
• If a character listens to classical music, savor a sip of wine.
• If a character listens to late ’60s/early ’70s rock & roll, drink and take a hit of weed.
• If a character senses that he or she exists in a parallel universe, drink and drop half a tab of acid.
• If a significant female character disappears without warning, drink and take 2 Vicodins.
• If a character expresses existential angst using an ambiguous metaphor, drink and practice transcendental meditation for 20 minutes.
• If a character becomes involved with an unorthodox but highly efficient metaphysical organization, drink and tell a semi-employed 30 year-old Japanese fellow that you can refurbish his soul with these weird powers you discovered you had when you were 16.
• If a semi-employed 30 year-old Japanese fellow becomes friendly with an eccentric teenage girl, drink and describe a young woman’s breasts in a gratuitous yet tasteful manner.
• If an older character describes a traumatic World War II-era experience, drink and thank fate you didn’t live in Japan during World War II.

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Tarantino Dialogue Or Salt-N-Pepa Lyrics?

1. Who, me? A tease? Brother, please.

2. You can take my word for it, your mother had it comin’.

3. Well damn if you ain’t so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt.

4. Yo, baby pop. Yeah, you, come here. Gimme a kiss. Better make it fast or else I’m gonna get pissed.

5. You call that begging? You can beg better than that.

6. I wanna dance, I wanna win, I want that trophy, so dance good.

7. Now wait a minute y’all, this dance ain’t for everybody, only the sexy people.  So all you fly mothers, get on out there and dance.  Dance, I said!

8. I’m a negro with an ego.

9. Now, what we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don’t wanna show me nothing but you’re telling me everything.

10. You got two jobs; kiss good, and make sure my hair don’t get wet.

11. You can’t play me, boy, I’m no game.

12. My ass may be dumb, but I ain’t no dumbass.

13. I’m gonna go jump in the tub and get all slippery and soapy and then hop in that waterbed and watch X-rated movies til you get your ass back in my lovin’ arms.

14. The difference between a hooker and a ho ain’t nothin’ but a fee.

15. If looks could kill, you would be an uzi.

16. Grandma carries a can of mace, and she’ll stick a 45 in your face.

17. I don’t know what futuristic utopia you live in, but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.

18. I’m gonna give you a little somethin’ you can’t take off.

19. Ask too many questions and my Smith & Wesson will answer

20. You put up with my butt when I wouldn’t give it up.  Yeah I know that really sucks, but if you wait a while, I’ll make it up.

21. Facts can be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing.

(answers below)

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Tarantino: 2 (Kill Bill Vol. 1), 3 (Death Proof) 5 (Kill Bill Vol. 1), 6 (Pulp Fiction), 9 (True Romance), 10 (Death Proof), 12 (Jackie Brown), 13 (True Romance), 17 (Death Proof), 18 (Inglourious Basterds), 21 (Inglourious Basterds)
Salt-N-Pepa: 1 (“Do You Want Me?”), 4 (“Push It”), 7 (“Push It”), 8 (“Negro Wit An Ego”), 11 (“A Salt With A Deadly Pepa”), 14 (“None Of Your Business”), 15 (“Shoop”), 16 (“Heaven ‘n Hell”),  19 (“Heaven ‘n Hell”) 20 (“Do You Want Me?”)

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