If Rick Santorum actually manages to win, the 2012 Republican Primary will remind me of “Son Of Jackass,” the epilogue to 2002′s Jackass: The Movie.
Like Ehren McGhehy, scrawny little Tim Pawlenty never had a fighting chance, and he gets blown out of it right away.
Dave England, like Michele Bachmann, is often willing to do the crazy shit even the other guys won’t do, like take a shit in a hardware store toilet, or advocate anti-gay policies while being married to an obvious closeted homosexual. You’d think that kind of crazy would help in this kind of environment, but in fact it backfires quite early.
Ryan Dunn obviously wasn’t the sharpest tool in this shed. He didn’t know enough to realize that no matter how many professionally-monitored stunts you survive, you can’t walk away from drunk-driving your Porsche at 130 MPH. Similarly, Herman Cain didn’t grasp that no matter how much money you made selling pizza, you can’t really run for President of the United States- even in a struggling economy- if you sexually harass women at an alarming rate.
‘Party Boy’ Chris Pontius is fun-loving, seems like he has a good head on his shoulders, and is one of the more likable Jackasses. Captain Beefheart fan Jon Hunstman seemed like one of the nicest, most sensible Republicans, which is why he had little hope of surviving the bloodthirsty tiger that Republican politics has become in 2012.
Bam Margera and Rick Perry seem like they’d be good bros to hang with if you’re into drinkin’ beers and shootin’ at stuff, but they’re also insanely reckless, even compared to this crowd, and they were bound to drive themselves into a fireball sooner than later.
At this point, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are still in it, though it doesn’t take a Nate Silver to guess that it’s just a matter of time before they’re smashed by the GOP truck. Here, my extended metaphor is stretched to its thinnest, since Preston Lacy seems like a nice guy who could never be as much of an asshole as Gingrich, and really the biggest thing the two have in common is that they’re the chubbiest fellows in their respective groups. Jason ‘Wee-Man’ Acuña also doesn’t seem to share much with Dr. Paul other than tiny stature, and outlasting most of his peers.
Mitt Romney, like Johnny Knoxville, is the handsomest, and seems like the natural choice to lead. (Even if Romney has about 1/1000th of Knoxville’s charisma.) But this GOP race is looking like it might surprise us, crushing Romney with a toolshed of indifference, leaving Steve-O/Rick Santorum- perhaps the batshittiest of them all- the last man standing.